she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
