the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
