Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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