It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Little spoons don't ask big questions
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
