she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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