Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just had sex on a roof
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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