The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i love accidental penises.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
