i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
