You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
