I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
