I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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