I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Randomize
