Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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