Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
