I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
