sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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