So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
