Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
