You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Randomize
