If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
