he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
