I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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