I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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