i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
