She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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