the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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