He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
