so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
