U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Randomize
