I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
