No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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