I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
