my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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