I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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