My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
