The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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