Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
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