woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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