i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
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