Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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