Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
