As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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