Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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