Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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