I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
