remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
