I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Randomize
