Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
