im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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