Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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