I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
