I can tuck mytits in my pants
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
