Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Randomize
